CUE LAUGHTER

Jade is at a wedding and I'm stuck at home, listening to my Latino neighbors celebrate the death of Michael Jackson. Every few moments I hear a Spanish influenced "yeee-heee!!" or "Oww!". I imagine them grabbing their crotches (hopefully their own) and trying to moonwalk, warm Tecate and Dos Equis cervesa dribbling down their shirts, matting them to their hairy chests. Right now it's "......the way you make me feel! You really tuuuurn me on!"

I was watching Pirahna II: The Spawning when I decided to take a break and get some writing done. i've been working on editing Patrick and Molly and all the small things and have finished rough cuts of three spots with a fourth about 1/3 of the way done.



My landlord came over the other day to appraise our house. He does this occasionally. I don't know what gives. I have a sneaking suspicion that someday a middle aged man with a blond crew cut and a red tie is going to be standing at my door telling me that "you have two days to evacuate the premises. Your house has been placed under..........some kind of..........government......repossession program". Once the government gets involved, you're toast. I just finished The Grapes of Wrath. Trust me. I know.

Government jobs. Mail people. Mailmen. Mail Women. Male Women. I had a mail woman come to my house the day before last. She walked into my fenced off front yard while the front door was open and three dogs greeted her with vicious, slobbering barks. War cries. Sound the alarms. Jade and I are babysitting our friend's little dog, Rilo, so he was in tow as well.

I saw the mail lady through the window. She had taken our outgoing mail when the Calvary showed up. She began stumbling backwards, towards the gate, behaving as though her legs had locked up in fear. She dropped my mail and tripped through the gate, just getting it closed before the big dog took her face off with it's soft, ticklish tongue.

I came out and smiled at her and said, "sorry" BUT it was too late for that. She had been..........what? She was afraid? Angry? Probably both. I went over and picked up my mail and apologized again. She yelled at me and said I wasn't supposed to have my dogs out. I told her it was 9:30 and our usual mail PERSON (gender friendly) didn't normally come until some time between 11 and 2. She didn't care. I paid rent in this house and I lived here and gosh darn it, it was my responsibility to keep my animals TRAPPED inside my house from 9 to 5 because no one knows when the post is going to arrive.

i walked to the fence and held out my mail to her and she said she wasn't going to take it. I laughed and asked her if I could have my mail - I could see my Netflix clutched in her right hand. She said no. Try to imagine this now, I know it's difficult, but, a little more sternly I say, "Can I have my mail???" and she says, "No. I'm going to keep this. I'm keeping your mail". And then she walked off and hasn't been back for.......today is the second day we haven't received our mail after the incident (POST incident, get it???) so three days altogether.

i didn't call her supervisor and complain about her going Jihad on me because I could sort of understand her human emotion. She WAS angry. She WAS scared and her hormones were probably firing off like crazy. Oh well. When my Netflix finally shows up at least I'll get all three of them in one day!!!

But anyway, my landlord. He comes over the other day to appraise our house and gets here ONE HOUR early. Is there such a thing as being TOO punctual? Yes.

So he comes in and we sit down and begin chatting. He's this guy from Iran named Ebe (EE-BEE) as in, Ebeneezer. Imagine Borat without the moustache.

Seriously.

So we're talking about travel and I'm telling him that Jade and I would like to see some other countries. Really just DIG IN and check out THE WORLD. He tells me that if HE had lots of money, he'd visit North Carolina and see Mount Rushmore. I don't bother correcting him but say that I've seen Mount Rushmore and tell him that it's incredible. He tells me he doesn't understand why anyone would want to go to Egypt to see a 10,000 year old pyramid. "They are smelly and spongy and old". If you want to see a pyramid, just go to Las Vegas to the Lux and see a brand new one! It's NEW!

These are quotes.

We're talking about pyramids and then he says, "I have joke for you - I read it on internet. Man, it is his birthday and he, he get up and his wife say nothing to him so he go downstairs and his kids, they say nothing to him, so he says nothing and goes to work..............

I thought that was the punch line so I let a small smile creep across my face and prepared to do my patented fake laugh if he didn't start talking soon. He continues.....

"So, so man go to work and his secretary, she says, you know - "Happy Birthday!" and the man is happy and she says to him, "You know, it is your birthday. You should - we should go to get lunch" and the man, you know, he say ok and they leave and get lunch and they finish lunch and the secretary, she say, "You know, it is such a nice day - let's not go back to the office - let's go to the beach!"

Cue fake laughter?? What is happening?

No. He continues.

And so the man, he say, "Let me go back to my place and get my swimming wear" and so they do. They go back. And the man says, "Let me just go up to my bedroom and change" and he goes and he's changing and then it is his wife and kids and friends and family and secretary in his bedroom and they shout, you know, "Happy Birthday!!!" and the man, he is sitting on his bed, naked!!!

Cue laughter.

I say, "Oh man - that's horrible! That would be so embarrassing!!"

The music next door has died down. I wonder if they're having a moment of silence for you-know-who. I saw some people selling MJ shirts online yesterday. It had his silhouette on it, standing on his toes and it said, "Long live the King". I suppose they meant it to be very sentimental but it seemed really morbid to me, you know, all things considered.