The missus and I thought we'd have a little race home, see who truly was the superior driver - who was of the superior intellect (just the fact that she didn't already know just shows you how stupid she really is......HA! dummy....)
^^^^^my wife^^^^^
So we're hammering down Highland Ave and we buzz across Hollywood Blvd and I feel like James effing Dean. I'm giving her a nice healthy lead - she's about a block up, but I've got plenty of time to burn her in the end, which, incidentally, is the most satisfying form of victory. So I dig on.
I see the 101 ramp coming up and slide past her. What a sucker. I glance over and see her shaking an angry fist at me. Ah, but the race has just begun my little noobian.
(just as a little side note, does anyone else think it's strange that the front of this guy's race car looks like a big blue emerging dog boner?)
...
We herang through traffic, probably faster than was safe or necessary, but hey, I'd just left church and if I went out, I knew where I was heading........
And then I get stuck behind some dopey old man in a cowboy hat - some old fart Sunday driver YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME THERE SHE GOES SHE'S PASSING ME YOU DUMB OLD MAN!!!!!! YOU'VE COST ME EVERYTHING!!!! EEEEEEEVERRYYYYYYTHIIIIINNG!!!!
I contemplate giving up on the race and following this geriatric gumball home, making him pay for my folly.....but then I see she's been trapped behind one of the soon dead as well.
I take advantage of my opportunity and give her the once over. SEE YA!
I take the Sherman Way exit with one car in between her and I, fly around the bend without even TOUCHING the frigging brake and then flip into traffic.
Red light.
The banshee pulls up beside me. Not the car the banshee - the driver the banshee. I slowly turn my gaze to her and bare my teeth. We're pretty close to home now and, truthfully, things got a little more serious than I was anticipating. She must be a witch. I make note to test this theory later.
Green light.
We both gun it but are soon stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. There is nothing more frustrating than going 3mph when you NEED to hit 80. You've got a thirst for speed and everyone is bumper humping GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!
Her lane starts moving faster and I know I've had it. The game is over. We're too close and I'm boxed in by Japanese automobiles. She shakes her fist out the window at me - the race is hers.......but wait.......I suddenly realize that the parking lane next to me - there's no one parked in it for over half a mile.
hmmm.....hmmmm....ha.....haha.....hahahha......MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
I stick it into hyperdrive and kick my bucket of bolts into the far right lane. I catch up with She-Banshee in no time and give her my patented Victory Flip-off.
EF YU!
I'm inside my car, laughing, pumping my fists together, screaming "YES! YES! YES!" and then I glance in my rearview mirror and see my putsy opponent take a right and then I realize that I missed my turn completely while celebrating all by myself. I become angry. How could this of happened to me? Why?
I circle the stupid block to find her already in our driveway, big stupid smile painted across her big stupid face. She thinks she's so smart.
We'll see how smart she is when I tie her to the bed and burn her at the stake tonight.
hmmm.....hmmmm....ha.....haha.....hahahha......MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!
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