Hobotus Hobitual

Master Chief and I went on an excursion to Chipotle's Mexican grill today. Now, as far as Latino establishments go, this one is livin' la vida loca. Generally, when arriving at this particular eatery in this particular part of town the line is up the butt backed to the door, usually by lots of little Asians and, if you know Asians, you know that they're tiny and you can fit lots of them into small areas. This was not the case today. Today we walked in and went right to the front where only four people stood, two of which were a pair of sexless hobos that seemed to have made quite a nice living for themselves as they were plumper than the Thanksgiving turkeys that they undoubtedly missed out on. I am forever interested in the homeless and can usually be found reading a book on their species. Finding two of them together INSIDE a civilized establishment was like stumbling upon a hummingbird in your backyard garden - you want to just hold a safe distance and appreciate it's beauty. Get too close and it darts.

This last part, unfortunately turned out to be too true. I'll call it "The Female" only so we can separate them one from another but understand that to say this was a woman was like trying to decide the sex of a charging rhino.

"The man" attempted to follow his "mate" but seemed confused and disoriented. He kept mumbling incoherently to himself, "Gotta do dat....scuzie me...movin' on out...gotta eat...less you wanna buy me sumpin'...some lunch....gotta eat..."

I have a little experience with this genus of animal and knew mostly what to do from my textbook research. I was excited about this opportunity to test my smarts out in a real life situation. I moved slowly and tried not to make the initial eye contact. As it shuffled past me I heard it say something about purchasing it lunch. I immediately leapt through the doorway that had opened for me and blurted out, perhaps with a little too much gusto, "Yes. Yes, I'll buy you lunch". It stopped and watched it's wife / life partner disappear out the door without saying another word to her / it. The strange things about the Hobotus Hobitual species is that they are monogamous creatures by nature but when food is involved it becomes a free for all. In this sense they are very similar to the hamster clan.
This particular hobo spoke some brand of broken English so we (myself and my wife / science partner) were able to communicate with it. It said, "I'm homeless....pretty hungry...." I asked, perhaps a little foolishly, "Where do you live?" and as soon as it was out of my mouth I felt sheepish, although, now that I'd laid it out, I was very excited for his response. I wondered if there were hobo hot spots and clubs I'd driven past a million times and had never noticed. Would he let me in on the secrets of his almost mythical subculture? "Have you ever seen that bridge down First?" I imagined him saying, "We have a small town under it. It's called Hobbiton. There are about two hundred of us. Our economy is booming". I wiggled my eyebrows in anticipation, began grinding my teeth in excitement. I looked at Jade and she seemed to be inching away from it, possibly afraid that it might suddenly lash out and maul her face or try to bite her. She's heard stories about them sweeping wallets from your hand and shouting frightening obscenities.

The hobo spoke and it said, "I ain't got no home...I'm homeless...and I ain't got no shoes". It looked down at it's feet and I followed it's gaze to two gray socks with surprisingly few holes in them and then, as if waiting for approval, he wiggled his toes. I locked eyes with it again and asked, "Where are your shoes?" and again I was hoping for a tale of desperation and addiction, "You see, I wanted to keep them but I had to give them to Maurice because I needed a hit". No. Nothing like this. He tells me, "They're in the bathroom," and then he points to the Chipotle's bathroom. I wonder WHICH bathroom they are in (male or female) before I say, "What are they doing in the bathroom?" and he says, "Will you go get them for me?" and without hesitating I say, "No. You should go get your own shoes." I'm hoping this will send it towards the bathroom and I can use this to discover it's hidden sex. It mumbles something and then says that it's got to get to Lancaster. It actually says, "I need...I need to get down Lancaster....somehow...."and then it's eyes meet mine again and I understand that it's asking for a ride. I don't comply on purpose. Instead I say, "oh yeah?" and then shrug but it persists. It says, "I need a ride...down to Lancaster...got family...you wanna give me a ride?" and I say, without hesitation, "No," and then, speaking up, piping up from behind the scenes, coming in to save the day, Jade says, "BUT WE'LL BUY YA LUNCH, FELLA!"

The bum mumbles something, asks for a couple dollars, at which I shake my head and then it turns and leaves, following in the track of it's life mate, without shoes or burrito.
Jade and I sat down, ate lunch until we had to loosen our belts and then exited back into the strip mall cluttered with people staying in town for the holidays. As we made our way back towards the parking structure, we saw "the female" heading into a Coldstone Creamery and I couldn't help but wonder if she'd ever cross paths with her partner again.