THE DUEL

I found myself in a duel today. A battle. i was paired with my machine, racing down the freeway, wind in my hair, Weezer on my radio.

The missus and I thought we'd have a little race home, see who truly was the superior driver - who was of the superior intellect (just the fact that she didn't already know just shows you how stupid she really is......HA! dummy....)



^^^^^my wife^^^^^

So we're hammering down Highland Ave and we buzz across Hollywood Blvd and I feel like James effing Dean. I'm giving her a nice healthy lead - she's about a block up, but I've got plenty of time to burn her in the end, which, incidentally, is the most satisfying form of victory. So I dig on.



I see the 101 ramp coming up and slide past her. What a sucker. I glance over and see her shaking an angry fist at me. Ah, but the race has just begun my little noobian.



(just as a little side note, does anyone else think it's strange that the front of this guy's race car looks like a big blue emerging dog boner?)

...

We herang through traffic, probably faster than was safe or necessary, but hey, I'd just left church and if I went out, I knew where I was heading........



And then I get stuck behind some dopey old man in a cowboy hat - some old fart Sunday driver YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME THERE SHE GOES SHE'S PASSING ME YOU DUMB OLD MAN!!!!!! YOU'VE COST ME EVERYTHING!!!! EEEEEEEVERRYYYYYYTHIIIIINNG!!!!



I contemplate giving up on the race and following this geriatric gumball home, making him pay for my folly.....but then I see she's been trapped behind one of the soon dead as well.

I take advantage of my opportunity and give her the once over. SEE YA!



I take the Sherman Way exit with one car in between her and I, fly around the bend without even TOUCHING the frigging brake and then flip into traffic.

Red light.

The banshee pulls up beside me. Not the car the banshee - the driver the banshee. I slowly turn my gaze to her and bare my teeth. We're pretty close to home now and, truthfully, things got a little more serious than I was anticipating. She must be a witch. I make note to test this theory later.

Green light.

We both gun it but are soon stuck in bumper to bumper traffic. There is nothing more frustrating than going 3mph when you NEED to hit 80. You've got a thirst for speed and everyone is bumper humping GIVE ME A BREAK!!!!!!



Her lane starts moving faster and I know I've had it. The game is over. We're too close and I'm boxed in by Japanese automobiles. She shakes her fist out the window at me - the race is hers.......but wait.......I suddenly realize that the parking lane next to me - there's no one parked in it for over half a mile.

hmmm.....hmmmm....ha.....haha.....hahahha......MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

I stick it into hyperdrive and kick my bucket of bolts into the far right lane. I catch up with She-Banshee in no time and give her my patented Victory Flip-off.



EF YU!

I'm inside my car, laughing, pumping my fists together, screaming "YES! YES! YES!" and then I glance in my rearview mirror and see my putsy opponent take a right and then I realize that I missed my turn completely while celebrating all by myself. I become angry. How could this of happened to me? Why?



I circle the stupid block to find her already in our driveway, big stupid smile painted across her big stupid face. She thinks she's so smart.

We'll see how smart she is when I tie her to the bed and burn her at the stake tonight.

hmmm.....hmmmm....ha.....haha.....hahahha......MWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

RON (JEREMY???)

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Headshots, hold the cheese.

Hello Dear Reader,

We are John and Jade and together with our Nikon camera we become the power trio that IS......The Letter B Photography.

BOOYA!

You wanna skyrocket to stardom? You wish you could be a real A-lister like Pauly Shore or Zach Morris??? Well…we can’t offer fame and glory and chicks, but we CAN offer headshots – and they’re better than the ones offered on Craigslist.

Wanna see some bad headshots?

These guys didn't come to us - they went to some schmuck on Craigslist (again, not us) and paid twenty-five dollars and took home ALL THEIR PHOTOS (un-edited) ON A CD!!!!

That's not what we do.

We take your photos for a session fee of $150.00 and you can have as many costume changes as you want - look, you're paying for our time that day and we don't give two craps if you want to use the time switching in and out of every frigging dress you own. DO IT!

After the shoot, we will custom edit 3 images of your choice, which are included in the session price, and send them to you in digital files. Any edited master files above the complimentary three we sell for $50 per image. But here's the thing - you can go do WHATEVER YOU WANT with them. You can get a MILLION printed off and cover your room in photos of yourself just like your Facebook page and it will cost you......NOTHING...because the file is now YOURS.

These other guys give you all of your photos on a CD, but what are you supposed to do with them? That zit you had that day? Ooops, it's still there because no one retouched it out. Sun too hot on your skin? Too bad - you're all blown out and white. I mean.....seriously, WHAT are you going to do with all the garbage on the CD? You're never going to use it. You're going to use the 1 to 5 photos that you picked out and had prettied up.

Remember that there is only one letter that separates art from fart.

Here's our link:
www.theletterbphotography.com

Check it out for your own safety.

Oh yeah, and here's some examples of good headshots:

The Muscle and the Monkey

My cousin came to visit us last week.

I found this in my camera after he left.......

THE HOLLYWOOD WALK OF LAME

My cousin Mo and his girlfriend Juliet came to town last weekend. She'd never been here before so we took her around to all the "glamorous" hotspots of LA - the walk of fame and Santa Monica beach.....are there other hotspots? Are those hotspots? We would've taken them to Rage, this gay bar, but last time we were there a bunch of gays accosted my wife......had I protected her from their homosexual onslaught, I'm sure I would have been convicted of a gay hate crime. As it stands, no gays were harmed in the making of this blog.

The walk of lame is covered in lots of stars - most of which have names that you've never heard of before....people that have been dead and gone for longer than I've been alive. Once in a great while though, you stumble upon a star. A real, true celebrity. Today was one of those fine examples where we were allowed by the fates and powers that be to find a shining star....

I was so happy I screamed and started ripping out of my clothing.

But.....with every American dream come true, some pebble of disaster will break the looking glass. For me, that was seeing how the economy has affected even the mightiest of men.....

Superman - moving boxes like some common GRUNT! I won't stand for it......I've gotta do something......

I told Jade we needed to find a way to stimulate the economy - find some way to make more money.

Was this her idea of FUNNY?????

She just kept making the ka-ching noise over and over again - it was driving me crazy.

She finally pulled the darn things off (after much pleading for me to purchase them for her) and we saw THIS GUY crossing the street:

Is that frigging BRUCE WILLIS WITH A MOHAWK???? ARE WE IMAGINING THINGS HERE FOLKS???? The day just keeps getting better and better and believe you me when I say the best is yet to come.........

Right before we exit the boulevard, I spotted this little lady:

I went over to this chick and asked if I could have my picture taken with her. I told her she looked like my sister. She turned to me and said, "seester?" Oh dear - she doesn't speak Ingleesh. So, in hopes of her understanding me better, I said it again - slower this time and I used more hand gestures.

"Me? Seester?"
"Yeah, you! Jade, just snap the photo and let's get outta here"

Snappity snap snap.

There's no way to know, but I THINK this is my sister's doppleganger. Dictionary.com defines a doppleganger as (noun) a ghostly double or counterpart of a living person. Yeah, I'll believe that - here's a picture of my sister:

Finally we escaped the star studded street and headed back to our car - BUT WAIT!!!! There's one more surprise - looky lou!

Frigging SNOOPY walking down the street!!! it was literally 100+ degrees that day and I'm pretty sure that guy had a stroke later on and I would've PAID MONEY to see Snoopy fall to his knees in front of a group of screaming children. Not that I'm some sicko and actually DESIRE to witness that. I just think it would make good fodder for the blog. If nothing else the photo would be good.

NExT UP!
Santa Monica pier:

Here's a photo of my cousin and his girlfriend at the pier:

What I like most about it is that they're dressed like John Lennon and Yoko Ono, respectively.

Okay, I should save the best for last, but I just can't contain it any longer (and I sort of want to keep things SEMI chronological).......check out this frigging-A sweet and beautiful RAT'S NEST we caught disguised as a human head walking down the pier:

I had to get closer. I had to have a better look. I needed..........to FEEL it's presence warm me......

So beautiful. I shall name it Algernon......YES.....i will kill for you Algernon.....my life for you..................NO!!!!! I must turn away, break my gaze, talk about something else......

LA has a chain of stores - clothing stores - called Forever 21. It's for women pressing thirty who really want to "keep it up". On our way off the pier, we saw this geriatric couple carrying a little yellow bag....ten to one says it's lingerie.

BOOYA!

After exiting the weirdness of Hollywood and Malipu, we saw THIS:

What is it? A birdman? A birdman driving a car? I don't know. We didn't stop to ask. He reminded me of something from a nightmare. Why was today so WEIRD???

THEN, while driving through Malipu canyon, we saw THIS guy:

Wait....did I say GUY? I meant girl - but I didn't say anything out loud. This beefcake momma would've crushed my car behind her kneecap if she got hold of me. I just told jade to lay on the gas and then started taking pictures of myself...

What the??? Why is Slash in my backseat? And why is he not wearing his goofy tophat that no one has mentioned to him is goofy in over TWO DECADES!!!!!!??????

It was a very strange day...........

The Saddest Boy to Ever Hold a Martini Glass.....

Jade and I just finished another round of headshots for a little person - not a little person like a midget - just a literal little person - a two year old named Myles. Here's a kid who's serious about his future modeling career - just look at those doughy eyes.......those pudgy cheeks.......that straw white hair.......the kid looks like a Disney character!

Jade and I took he and his mother around to the usual haunts in Van Nuys, dodging gangsters and speeding bullets, avoiding broken glass and graffiti (no easy task in The Nuys), but we're pretty happy with the results.









I especially like this one because he reminds me of baby Ellen Degeneres:

THE HERESAY OF REHEARSAL

Jade and I met up with the notorious Nellie and the relentless Ryan last night for the first ever rehearsal of the epic telling of Patrick and Molly and all the small things.

We had brat-to-tha-bratwurst for dinnuh and then got freaky in the living room, reading through the material again and again and again until it became mundane and tiresome, the way I plan to be remembered by my peers and colleagues.

I don't know if this speaks for the material at all, but Jade kept squeaking with weird spurts of laughter in the middle of rehearsals. Ryan would drop his line and Jade would sequel and we'd all sort of glance over at her and she'd be hiding her face behind her laptop..........more likely than not she wasn't even laughing at Patrick and Molly. Probably she was just watching clips on YouTube about guys crashing on their bicycles - she just loves that.




I actually felt really bad after watching this but I just couldn't stop giggling - it wasn't really a full out laugh, so I feel like that somehow makes it better.....but I think the funniest thing is the cameraman's reaction. He sounds like he just sharted.

For a full defnition of a shart, please see:



Now that you understand the proper terminology, here is a video that is pretty funny on it's own, but could have been made FUNNIER by an accidental shart......PLUS, how can you NOT watch a video entitled "Poop!! A must SEE!!"